Cold as ice

When she left me, I did not care. When she came back, I did not care. A man does reach much more in life when his heart is stonecold, so a wise man told me. And when a wise man says something, you try it out. And it seems to work. I can focus on my writing, running my little bookstore.

Where I used to be unable to focus, to be dreaming and thinking of her. I was heartbroke when for one moment she forgot to tell me she loved me. Maybe she did forget about it? Maybe I became a habbit to her? Oh, how confused I would make myself. My heart would jump up and down, the moment she said 'have a nice day' without adding, 'my sweetheart', I was convinced it was all over. The love was gone, it was just a matter of time before that beautiful being would walk out on me. And I would be unable to stop her, unable to find love again. If she would leave me, life would end. As simple as that. Just as Werther, I wouldn't see the need to keep on living. My bookshop would go to hell, my writing would only serve a last letter.

Ow, being 19 and ready to leave it all, just because of her. She, who would leave for sure. But the next day she would tell me 'I love you' and I would forget about the sadness, we will be happy forever. As simple as that, she loves me, her kisses taste sweet, her embrase is stronger than ever. This is gonna last forever, Goethe had no idea writing about love! A love that ends was never real love, so who would kill himself for that? Thank God we have true love, and if she ever leaves me, than well no need to leave this world behind. Ow, I was flying high in the sky.

But there she came, out of nowhere and she shot me out of the air. All my feathers flew around when I crashed on the hard, hard ground. I remained there laying, my last breaths in my being as a bird, waiting for the fatal headshot. Oh, I hope that comes fast. But a woman never gives a headshot, she shoots you down and walks away. Expecting you to take ur feathers, get up and fly again. Sadly enough,you can't just take up ur wings. So you remain there on the cold stone floor, just wondering 'why did I fly so high?'. 'I should've flown within limits, so I could have seen her grab the gun, I would have dodged the bullet or at least wouldn't have fallen so deep'.

Anyways, the wise man came around and gave me a simple solution. I asked him to put my feathers back on, to give me a trampoline or a runway to start flying again. But he refused, knowing I would fly too high again and go through it all again. He told me to turn my heart cold. I didn't know how, but it was easy to do in the end. I'm no longer a bird, I'm walking around now. Working in my book store, writing down some stories.

It is good to have a cold heart, I used to see pretty girls everywhere and suffer. Now I just see visitors in my shop, some are male, some are female. Once in a while one catches my eye, but than I take a deep breath, rip of the little wings growing on my back and turn cold. That's how I will live on, I don't feel too bad and I'm sure I won't fall anymore.

Fate

"Man's fate is sadness, sadness when he does not reach his goal and sadness when he does reach his goal."

Life and death

Some people don't understand the wish to never have been born, some don't understand the wish to never having to die. I live with both feelings, which may seem contradictive. If you want not to have been born, than why would you want to live forever? If u never want to die, than why would u regret being born? When I look at it from  a little distance, it makes sense to me.

Every human being is born and every human being will die. Since I am alive, I was born (so my parents told me) so not dying is my only option of not becoming a random human creature. And since I have a, let's say -not so positive- view on people, it just feels bad to be one of them. I have always considered myself to be something greater, better or something less than a human. But never did I face the possible truth: 'Fonchito, you are human!'. But now, as I am old and can't get out of this bed, I believe I am a human.

There is no way I will evade death, it is around the corner. I can see it smile at me, it wants me to admit to be human so it can take me away from this earth. Now my deepest wish is not to stay alive but never to have been born, since that would be my only option of being something different from all the human creatures. I have done the same things as those creatures: I have loved, hated, cheated, I have lied, mistreated people, I have given people trust , taken advantage of others. But most of all I have enjoyed things, oh please. I did the same, I was born and I am dying right now. I'll admit it, you horrible universe, I was a human. Now fuck off and let me rest.

Carolina

It was the first time I ever went to see a boxing game. I remember it pretty well. It was on the first saturday of february, the 6th I believe. I just recently got interested in boxing, I didn't really know much about it. But as always I rushed into my new found interest and went to the fight. Deciding not to ask anyone with me I was in a 'loner'-mood. I just wanted to sit down, watch a boxing match and relax. After working all day- work in that period was the only way to put my mind at ease- I needed some distraction. It goes without saying that it is not a good sign when you work that much, but let me not get into that.

I have always had an aggresive nature, but due to education and socialisation it was hidden deep, deep inside. I never got in a fight, kept my calm most of the times, but I was and still am scared for the day that all that deep hidden agression will come to the surface, oh what would happen? From that thought I wanted to see the boxing game, those guys must have some anger in them, but unlike me, they didn't have it burried under a set of educational rules and societal wishes. They could release their anger in training and in the game. An interesting fact to me was that some boxers seemed very nice, peaceful people and others looked like real warmachines.

The match-up today was that of a Venezuelan warmachine against a Mexican fighter, surrounded by caring people and a good education. The fight represented some of the opposite feelings I had living in my body and soul. Where the warmachine was hidden under a lot of education. Altough, maybe, it was just the reverse. Maybe I was very peaceful in nature but made education me more aggresive. Oh, how would I know? Are we aggresive beings by nature or do we get raised into aggresion? Maybe the fight would give me some insight in the newly arised doubt about my nature.
Both fighters had an impressive record, the Venezuelan guy won all his 26 fights by way of KO. The Mexican boxer was a more technical refined fighter, winning 23 of his 25 fights. So seems being peafecul and fighting can go hand in hand. As I didn't have knowledge about the technical and tactical ability of the teams I didn't have a favorite. Altough someone who wons 26 fights by knockout must be good, right?

 It was an impressive venue where I entered, looking for my seat while some pre-fights -I have no idea how to call them- were going on. While getting to my reserved spot I thought to myself 'Let's hope there are some nice people sitting around me'. Since the last thing I needed were annoying people who would give their 'expert-opinion' on a fight. I couldn't care less about what was the right boxing technique, I just want to see a nice fight. But well, I guess the people next to me were allright, since I don't remember them at all. So I was all prepared to see a good fight, I hoped it would last a few rounds before one got knocked out.

All my preparation, my good seat, my interest in the fight faded right after they introduced the fighters to the ring. My eye fell on the wife of the Venezuelan fighter, next to their two kids. Not that I care about family values or  the feeling "it must be nice to have a family", no I was struck by the fear in the eyes of that beautiful woman. Naively I thought it was because she was scared her husband would get into trouble during the fight. And she was right to be scared, after 2 rounds the blood was running from his head after a jab from the Mexican fighter. I had never seen this before, such an injury. But well no reason to stop the fight apparently. A warmachine might get motivated by blood, so the next rounds the Venezuelan boxer took over the match, never letting it go again.

His wife looked a little less worried, as she lost herself in her two little kids. While her husband kept hitting his opponent until the point the entourage of the latter asked the ref to stop the fight. So no brutal fight until the end, but a fight ending where the protecting people step in. No cruelty, someheow a 'happy' end. Since the best fighter one and the loser didn't get knocked to the canvas or worse.

After the end my eyes went again to the wife of our Venezuelan boxer. Her stare was filled with a huge fright. Even more so than before the fight, there was a sadness in her eyes. She was sad the fight was over. She didn't run upto her husband, she just stood there and remained scared. I believe all she realy wanted to do was run away and be in peace. But for some reason she couldn't, she seemed pressured into a life she didn't want.

That night was the first time I saw how a person looks when knowing her end is near, while no one else in the world realises. And there was no way for her to escape, she lived waiting for the fatal end... I wished to God he wouldn't have her suffer anymore. Or he should set her free in life or get over with it. But stop letting that beautiful woman live in fear, you Creature. Anyways Carolina was found death in her house before summer came, followed by her killer and husband, who took his life a week later.

Not able to resist

--Why won't you?
- Because I don't feel like.
-- But why?
- There is no 'why', I don't feel like
-- But there must be a reason why you don't feel like.
- Everything has it's reason.
--So, what is your reason?
-What does it matter to you?
-- I just want to know.
-Why?
-- Just beause.
- There must be a reason you ask me that.
-- Yeah, but you tell me your reason first.
- Why?
-- BECAUSE!
- Logic tells me you should give me your reason first.
--Why?
- Because that is more logical.
--Howso?
- Well, you want to know for some reason why I don't feel like, so when I know that reason I can answer.
-- Hm, maybe you have a point.
- Well, maybe I do. What is the reason you want to know why I don't feel like?
-- So I know if it has something to do with me or not.
- And what if it had to do with you?
-- That would be horrible!
- Why?
-- I won't give you a reason.
- Fair enough.
-- So has it to do with me?
- No.
-- Than what is the reason?
- I don't feel like.
--Stop it! Tell me, now.
- Relax, relax. There is no point in this conversation, is there?
--Hmm, not realy. But still why won't you?
- Ahhhh, damn, just let it go, ok?
--No.
- Damn, this conversation is a waste of time, no?
-- Just tell me one thing: why won't you?!
- Because I just want to be by myself.
--What, why?
-Oh, come on, I answered, so it is all over. I won't because I want to be by myself.
--But, you will never have a chance like this again!
-Hm, perhaps not.
--So you don't mind?
- I will regret it tomorrow, but right now I don't feel like.
--You are a strange guy, Fonchito.
- Oh, what the hell. Just kiss me.

Lost

Lost in the night,
He awaits her light
Lost in life,
She'll never be his wife

Friends and lovers

You can not depend on people, that is one thing I learned over the past years. It's silly actualy, since I've known it all along and still I had to learn it. When you are in the darkest of your nightmares: you can not depend on others. When you want the world to get better: you can not depend on others. When you are delightfuly happy: don't depend on others. When you need help: don't depend on others. In theory it is easy: just know others can let you down. So don't put up your hopes. Not in friends, not in lovers, not even in family. Family is different for all, as I have experience throughout different periods in this existence.

But friends and lovers, are two groups that are largely constant. 

I am sure that friendship is an important relation for humans in the world, but can you ever really rely on another human being? Friendship ends where the selfishnes of a man/woman starts. According to me it is as easy as that. We can depend on our friends, our very best friends on moments we need them the most. Unless... unless it's just not the right moment for them. So, to me, the easiest way to always have a friend around is to treat every stranger as a friend. That is the only way that you'll always have a friend avaiable at every moment of every day in your life. So, don't depend on specific people, just treat the human kind as one big group of trustable friends. Obviously some strangers or people don't deserve this treatment, but you'll cut them out very easily. A stranger can become a good friend, giving you unexpected advice in a troublesome moment. A good friend can turn into a stranger over time, without any advice ever given.

As for lovers, oh well, we all know how that works, no? There is no need to put down my own experience with women. Altough it could help understand women why I think of them as crazy creatures. Crazy, not horrible or awful, not perfect or supersweet. Crazy. But in a good way, I guess. Why they are crazy exactly, that doesn't matter. It's not what I was writing about, I was writing about lovers in general. The difference with friendship is obvious, you can not treat all humans as lovers. A few, off course. But not as many as in the friend-department. You can have different lovers over time, even different lovers at the same time. A lover is someone that you belong to, that owns you and that is willing to be owned by you. Not in a possesive, dominant way. But in a connective way, a bond that can not be broken by itself. It has to be cut by one. Friendship can fade, love doesn't fade. Lovers can only break the connection by being harsh. It's what makes lovers horrible. When one lover breaks your heart, another will meant it eventualy. If a man/woman is lucky, the lover will be "the one" and never break it again (out of love or out of settling down). Altough one can ask if the settling down lover is still a lover or, rather, an 'everlasting friend'. If a man/woman is (un)lucky, the new lover will break the heart again. The good thing in this: once broken, a hear can't break further. It always breaks on the same point and in the same amount. So the more lovers break and meant and meant and break, the easier it gets. Whenever you find yourself a lover: give it your all, lose yourself in it. There is nothing more beautiful than being a crazy lover, since a love that is not givien with all your soul is doomed to fail.

Concert in the late 40's

'I hope this never ends, or at least not until a beautiful girl comes along'.

A typical thought that would arise when I sat listening to a beautiful voice. I didn't realy care who came along with me on these days, I just always made sure I didn't have to go to her performances alone.
On this evening I went with a group of people, we must've been like eight/nine. I didn't realy care for them, since apart from the music we didn't have much in common. But by going out, there must be a chance u run into an angel. That has always been my motivation, although I wouldn't go to places that I didn't enjoy. Cause there you could only meet the devil. So you visit nice places and at one point u must run into an angel, life is as simple as that.

While Billie's voice, sounding so raw, touched every part of my soul, I forgot about the world around me, the people, the worries. I was one with that great performer, one with the sound of her damaged soul, one with belonging.  I did belong in her songs. I was her songs! Every song I was, not one song left me out. The song described me and I was the image of every song that woman sang. And it should never end, it should never end. Oh, when will there be a person to incorporate me into her soul? I was a song now, I was the world and universe. But I wasn't someone's soul yet. I never was, at least not for as far as I could remember. Well, these thoughts got a hold of me during that concert, and so many of her concerts that followed. Perhaps the most frustrating moment of the evening wasn't when the concert ended, since I was still on a high, still lost in thoughts and feelings.

It was when David spoke to me. 'In for some dancing?'. How can someone ask such a basic question when 5 minutes ago I was dreaming of belonging to someone's soul, how can dancing make me get into someone's soul? Oh please explain me! But well, off course I'll join my friend. Maybe we run into some pretty women and have fun. (Notice that guys never want to go dancing, but since there were 9 of us and only 5 guys, well you know... ).

We went to a small club, there were not too many people. The music was nice though, and well the girls and their partners lost themselves in dancing. Thank God there were comfortable seats for me to hang in, that was all I needed. My glass of whisky next to me, mesmerising about the concert just a few moments before. I could hardly hear the music on the dancefloor, my head was filled with Billie's voice, with all that it brought to me. I even forgot about my livelong quest to meet an angel. Who needs an angel when you have such great voices that combine all the feelings you know? Maybe meeting a soulmate would just ruin these feelings, maybe I would not love music anymore! Oh, no, that can never happen. Get out of my mind you angel, you devil in disguise! Leave me in peace, leave me be.

Yes, it is great to be alone. It is great to be stuck with your mind, your feelings, yourself and music. Dance, you silly people, dance :) I love you all, I love when you are far away from me and have fun. I love to be alone and yet feel so sociable. I'm happy, I forgive you for ruining the moments after the concert. It's all good. Keep dancing while I slightly fall asleep with a smile on my face...

Letter to the recipient

Dear friend, I hope you are well. I'm very pleased that you are the one to receive my work. I expect that, after u read these pages, u can form an image of me. But most important to me is that you enjoy reading my tales. If u don't feel like reading all these pages, please make sure u hand my work to a friend. Accompanied by following letter:


My sweet friend, I give you this book in full happiness. 


Don't expect these written pages to be made by the hand of an old synical man. I am no such man. Don't expect that you will know me, the writer of these tales, after reading this book. Don't expect to ever finish reading my stories. Stories never end, they are a constant process. Don't expect to be tought things. Don't expect to be able to answer all questions by yourself. Don't expect anything. Just open up your mind, your heart and your soul. If you can do that, than you will enjoy reading every tale.


As you will understand by reading the pages, the stories are not written in my native language. The reason for that is simple, my friend. I don't have a native language. I have been born in different ages, different places. I have died in different times, amongst different people. Every story comes from a different period in my lives. Don't worry if you don't seem to understand this, it is of not much importance. I just want you to accept all mistakes in grammar and language. My goal is not to be a literary genius, I would just like to share the lives I have lived with the people living today. I have done this in the past, before you were born. And I will continue doing it in the future, long after you have died. 


My age is of no importance, nor is my name nor my background. All that you need to know is that I'm a boy, a man maybe. Since I don't want to become an 'anonymous' writer, I will sign you this letter with the name Fonchito. Maybe you know what I refer to, maybe u don't. If you do, I hope you can relate to that Fonchito you think off.


I hope you will enjoy my tales dear friend, I hope you have lived my tales! Well, in fact, dear friend, I shouldn't put on this act.I know you have been experiencing these tales yourself, this book is just a little reminder of all the things you have been through. Good things, bad thing, special things, random things. But all full of happiness.


Start reading dear friend.


I wish you all the best, 


Fonchito

Preface

As a kid being free of worries, what is the use in toning down? Turning older, life changes for free spirited boys and girls. Little by little the pressure of expectation finds it's way to the minds of people. Some minds adapt to the idea of expectation by working harder, some just crumble and get ruined.

Fonchito always leaned closer to the latter. He wasn't a fighter, he needed things to go smoothly and easy. So, in confrontation with the pressures of expectation at the start of his youth, it didn't look good for him. He would decide for himself to give up. 'If I can't be the best, than what is the point in giving it a try?'. Altough not a fighter, Fonchito was strong. And the feeling inside him arose that he had something special to give to this world. There was a feeling of constant happiness within. Hidden under the stack of worries and the feeling of being hopeless, powerless. The way to free his mind was easy, he found out. Too easy. 'How can I just say 'it is not that important' and feel better already?'. Curious as he was, Fonchito searched for the answer. But every answer led him to more questions.

Four years ago, a book full of stories written down by Fonchito was handed to me. I tried to find out his real name, his age, his whereabouts, but I found nothing.  Some parts of the book seem autobiographical to me, others just come over as tales, stories he invented. I have spend years analyzing the stories and tales in Fonchito's writing. But now the time has come to share them with other people. You can judge for yourself if the answers Fonchito had to his questions make any sense for us today.